Desert edge

For a while now I have been in a bit of a spiritual slump. A desert so to speak. Dry, hard, arid and harsh. No doubt, a lot of the season and place has been the result of my stubbornness. Root causes aside, I am getting a strange sense of excitedness about some of the things going on in my life lately. Although I suspect it may take me several blog posts to catch up to where I am as I write, I think there are a few confessions I must put out there first to clear the air. If, for no one else, myself and the Lord. It all boils down to this: I started this blog to record my spiritual journey and the ups, downs and in-betweens so I could share my struggles and experiences with others. For several months, or, more realistically, years, I have neglected this. At times, I turned to intellectualism. At other times, the random recesses of my mind. And, when none of that worked to satisfy me, I just didn't write at all. (That really shows God!) Now, I am back and want to review some of the path that brought me to sit here with a bit of excitement in my spirit tonight.

When I moved to Dallas I came here for two reasons: 1) a job and 2) to work with the Streams Training Center Barbie Breathitt was heading up at the time. Well, the job I took turned out to be more like a prison sentence than anything else. And, as a result, my ability to work with Barbie was limited by my job. After about a year, I had to stop the little bit of work I had with Barbie to focus on what I was doing at work and to try and keep my sanity and marriage somewhat stable. So, I began the first step into the desert.

Time passed, a new job came and all seemed to be going well. With each passing day, however, I felt more and more dead. Lifeless, useless, uninterested, detached and withdrawn. I blamed my job and family for preventing me from being able to pursue my passions: working with Streams and growing in my calling. God eventually dealt with me about the half-truths and misdirected anger I felt towards those around me and the blessings he had placed in my life. My anger, dissatisfaction, the discontent that prodded me, these things all were the result of an unwillingness to accept who and what I was at that time in life. I harbored anger and frustration against God for not recognizing my pain and rewarding me for the suffering I had endured and the sacrifices I had made.

In reality, the things I have endured have been difficult. But, they are nothing compared to the persecution and horrible things others have gone through just to survive. And, many of those people not only joyously praised God, they used those events, those pains, those heartaches to glorify God, love others and draw those around them with a passion to Him. My walk has been nothing in those terms. In fact, I have come to realize that, in spite of my experiences and struggles, God still waits, hoping, desiring for my love, for my full honor and glorification. He truly wants to be the king of my life, the Lord I love.

Through the past few months, my frustrations have brought a few issues to light that require me to be honest with myself and with God. We joined a church that is great. It's got a vibrant community that is filled with love. When we joined Kerri began to receive a tremendous impartation of love and instruction. The kids were able to begin building a powerful foundation for their walks. Indeed, it's everything you could want in a church. And, yet, I found myself feeling empty and wanting more.

I tried various things. But, I eventually hardened my heart and simply accepted, for this season, the kids and Kerri were first and foremost. In the past few months my willingness to put their needs before mine has weakened. I don't know how to hold off any longer. While running I have been looking for churches around home. I found a few. I took the kids to one a week Kerri was out of town. Worship went on for 45 minutes before we left. The kids were roaming around the back of the church, complaining it was too loud. Overall, pretty clearly not the right place. Kerri and I tried another church. It felt like a concert on a cappuccino, way too hyped up. So far, all strikes.

One morning, I saw a sign for an inconspicuous church and memorized the web address. Later that day I went to the website, checked it out and emailed the pastor to see if they had any Sunday night services. They didn't but, they were starting a class on spiritual gifts in the church. That piqued my interest. I ended up meeting with the pastor, who being a good pastor, didn't want to just let some random stranger show up at a Sunday night class. As it turns out, the church is one very similar to Vineyard in nature. They are young, still growing with a small body of around a hundred on Sundays. That felt a lot like home, but, as I knew with the church I took the kids to, small churches mean a major downgrade to their education and a pretty big upheaval to their world.

Somewhere in this timeframe I found another church relatively similar to the one we go to now, only closer. As I explored the website I found some very interesting things. The church has a few decades of history, so, it's pretty grounded. They appear to have several stable, well-formed ministries. A few missionary outlets and a couple of core classes I think look interesting. Yet, I fear it will be the same of what we currently experience were we to start going there. Lots of fast, hustle and bustle, no real passion for Jesus. Lots of people there, essentially for the show. So, a check in my spirit here too.

That leaves me at a cross-roads. I see two directions to possibly go: 1) smaller, more like the Acts model I have been growing more and more empassioned about and 2) larger, more Ephesians like model. But, He still hadn't said yeah or neah. So, I asked for more wisdom. A few weeks later, I had the thought to check on the Streams Partners site to see if they still offered Fireside Chats. They discontinued it a while back, but, Robert happened to have a few lying around. He sent me a bundle of CD's and a packet regarding the Perfect Storm materials. In it was a note indicating he felt led to send me those particular discs. (Thanks Robert, you were right on!)

In one of the discs, from 2006, John Paul discusses a brief historical overview of the early church as grounds to relay the status of where the Bridge was at the time of the recording. In the process of relaying this information he pointed out 4 basic church models that can be found in Scripture. While listening to the CD I felt I had been given a big piece of the puzzle I was looking for. I will put another post up with details and reflections of his message. But, to make the point here, I must say the observations he made gave me a whole new perspective on my situation.

For a while now I have no longer felt content simply going to church. I have never been much of a spectator, in anything I do. I think that's one reason I can't get into sports. I would rather do it myself, even if completely unsuccessfully, more than watch others. Life is too short to be a spectator and I most of the time, I don't like to stroke the egos of people who feed on that vibe. At any rate, going to church and not being involved is meaningless to me. What's the point. God created us to glorify Him. If we are not actively fulfilling our purpose (to glorify Him), we cannot find happiness and there's compelling reason to be in church, if that's the case.

In short, I want God to be God in my life. I want the God of the Bible. The one who raised Jesus from the dead. The one who spoke to Moses. The one who made and fulfilled promises to Abraham. The god of slick Sunday presentations and dead services repulses me. And, for me to silently go along with this torments my soul and spirit. Now, I am not saying that my church is like this. I know, in the past couple of years I have been selfish and refused to do what I could for God where I was because of selfishness, unhappiness, guilt, shame, greed, pride, laziness, stubborness. Shoot, any character flaw that exists, I could probably point back to it at some point here in recent history.

What does this have to do with God not being real in my life? What does this have to do with my church? Everything. I have lived in fear. Fear that I would do the wrong thing. Fear that I would be offensive. Fear that my character flaws, all 8,254 of them, would be discovered. Fear of rejection. Fear of powerlessness. Fear, if you notice, is the main word of the day. I have spent the majority of my life afraid. In fact, it has paralyzed me most of my life. But, now, I think God has stirred me to start fighting, even if it's just a little, to break free of fear. To find the freedom and life he promises.

So, here I sit. I have a passion for God, albeit a weak one. I have people everywhere around me and I sense God is wanting to do something new, something real (to me at least). Only, I don't have a clue as to what that is. During one of the early morning coffee visits with my newly growing pastor friend I come to the realization that part of the reason I have been so discontent, so unhappy is because I got lost along the way. I had been demanding (and pouting) that God give me what I thought he was supposed to give me: some "in" into the prophetic ministry. In reality, I had gotten sidetracked.

In fact, I came to realize this was a major part of my problem. Yet, the fact that it was my problem was not the major truth I came to see. I felt I had tapped into an understanding of a much larger issue, a much larger problem, something permeating today's Christian walk in America. I sensed that the reason people have become powerless in their walk is because they are not doing what God said to do. (This is really another blog post in and of itself.) Throughout the New Testament, God gave simple, clear commands about what we are to do. Community, fellowship, prayer, fasting, giving, preaching the good news, healing the sick, casting out demons. These are the things the early church did. In short, I had missed the mark. We, as a church, have missed the mark.

This realization was like a lightning bolt. It shook me to the core and startled me. God wanted simple love. An intimacy and single-minded passion for Him. And, here I was, mad at Him for trying to get my attention, for trying to get my attention, focus my energies and get me going in the right direction. I had gotten in a rut "pursuing" God and was mad at Him for trying to get me out. Oh, how I felt Jeremiah 7:24 applied, "But they did not listen or pay attention; instead, they followed the stubborn inclinations of their evil hearts. They went backward and not forward." I had been shocked back to life, but, in a shallow self-examiniation, found my heart weak, if alive at all, and my life, a pathetic testimony to God's grace, love and majesty.

It was time for me to find something. A way back to Him. In another sereptitious turn of events only God could prompt, my pastor friend offhandedly mentioned a phrase in passing one morning that really caught my ear: Jesus as revolutionary. I asked him about it later and he mentioned a book by George Barna (someone I'd never heard of before) called Revolution. After a little bit of footwork, I had an interlibrary loan get a copy in my hands. Much of the anxiety, the call to action, the thoughts and struggles, uncertainties and doubts that have been plaguing me appeared in written form on the pages of that book. God gave me some confirmation, I am not alone. In fact, there are lots of people who are no longer looking for God in traditional ways. (Yes, there's another series of posts about this book and the thought processes it has stirred in me.)

So, the crossroads looks like this: I have before me two paths. I do not know which the Lord has called me and my family on year. But, neither of them permit me to be a spectator in my life any longer. God is calling me to action. The frightening thing is that I need to commit personally for this to happen. This has been a theme all along. At our current church, personally committing, stepping out and sharing my ideas, my vision of who Christ is and who we need to be, might have prompted God's work to begin earlier. Only, I was stubborn and preoccupied with myself and how unhappy I am.

To me, it seems God is as gracefully and mercifully as always, giving me another opportunity to do what He calls me to do: step forward, lead and speak the truth in love. I see now that a church community focused on anything but Jesus is social, not spiritual. That is not what God loved so much about the early church. It's not what God is going to love now. God is going to love those who love Him and Him above all else. I commit to you Lord my life, my hopes and my longings. I see the edge of desert approaching and I praise you Lord for being faithful. Thank you Jesus for your love and being a brother in this time of weakness. Jesus help my life to pour passion, love and mercy as did yours.