At war...with everything
The past few weeks I've been feeling this restlessness and fatigue. When I started getting frayed on the edges, I tend to get edgy and grouchy myself. At that point, I usually have to start asking, "Okay God, what am I missing and what are you trying to tell me?" Typically I either missed a turn I was supposed to take. Or, I ignored the big screaming signs telling danger ahead or turn here. The usual stubborn acts of ignorance that come with being human and disobedient.
Of course, something I struggle with more is the constant sense of pressure I feel about the notion that we are held accountable for the things he has revealed to us. Typically, I think people hold this in a negative context, where judgment will fall upon those who fail to act on God's revelation. In John, Jesus said, in a positive manner,
13 You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and you are right, because that’s what I am. 14 And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet.
15 I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you. 16 I tell you the truth, slaves are not greater than their master. Nor is the messenger more important than the one who sends the message
17 Now that you know these things, God will bless you for doing them.
So, here I sit. I've heard God, and, recently have heard repeatedly, the same notion of the "warrior" nature of Christian men, particularly how it is not relevant and/or taught much these days.
War is hard. It's tiring. It's deadly. I guess these are things I sense spiritually and grow weary of. Yet, I have heard him say, "Be prepared, for this life is one of war." So, discipline--as I am asked the very moment I write the word about King Cake--, focus and attentiveness. These are all exciting ideas when facing with expelling demons, interceding, praying feverishly for healing! No doubt. But, it's much harder to be so thrilled about the idea of a militant readiness when it comes to changing a dirty diaper, instructing a 3 year for 315th time to do something she simply doesn't want to do or paying my bills...again. No, war can come in many guises and the hardest ones to defeat are the ones to which we turn a blind eye.
I hate to aim for New Years resolutions because it seems so artificial. Most of the time, we need to change our lives, our selves, for these declarations, these resolutions to have any power and meaning. So, I am looking forward, thinking, that there is a war, whether I want to admit or not, and, it will continue, whether I want to believe it or not. It is a war of the spirit and I need to humble myself to private, trivial tasks of simple righteousness before I can pursue holiness, purity or power. Without righteousness, my spiritual militant approach to life is nothing but self-focusing chest beating. I don't want prideful displays. I want people to know God through my life.
The war is, at this point, a moment by moment, second by second fight. And, I have to start small, otherwise it will always be greater than I can be. But, by giving God small things in which He can prove to me He is in control and He is victorious, I can allow him to slowly take over larger parts of my life. Thus, I fire the cannon shot of war into the crevices of my soul. Lord, bless me in the little things, that I may bless you in the big.
So, I originally posted to write that I am going to be focusing on discipline in my life with a militant attitude, aiming, in my best efforts, to do better with what I have. I will also be aiming to begin thinking of the future instead only of the now, a long time habit of mine. I will be making checklists (I am the king of excel spreadsheets), beginning to learn about duties I only once knew of (such as home maintenance) and trying to find a full balance in my life: work, family, church, exercise, diet, finance. I want to begin focusing wholeness in my whole life. It is so easy to turn a blind eye to some part of life and neglect to take care of it simply because it doesn't have an obvious immediate impact. I added the word immediate as I was typing because it is easy to ignore the future and overlook the truth that what we do now shapes our future. Being lazy now will prevent me from being who I can or could be in the future. So, out with laziness. I am at war with my dirty desk and my untrimmed trees, with my unreconciled bank books and my unironed clothes. And I pray God keeps me focused on the little things because there are land mines everywhere and I will not let my future be blown up any longer.
I tend to do this and in a few months get frustrated with the discipline that I've imposed on myself. I start hearing, "Who cares? It doesn't matter anyway." Then, I get frustrated and disappointed. After disappointment comes despair. I pray that I will not fall into this pattern. I don't want to repeat the same thing again. I want to get through the walls that have built up around me. I want the purpose of my checklists, the purpose of my discipline to be to glorify God and make my life more the way he wants it to be. That's all this is really for anyway. I just get caught up in the battle and forget why I'm fighting along the way. It's so easy to get lost in the moment and forget why. When trying to love, I am hating parts of my self. When trying to win, I am choosing to lose. A bizarre truth about loving God though life is the utter confusion that comes into the mix when we try to fight ourselves.
For instance, I have a box of paper work that needs to be filed. I have had the same box for about 6 years. I tend to get ambitious, pick up 25 things, thumb through, put a few things away, thumb through the pile 5 more times passing things up each time thinking, "Oh I know there's a folder for that somewhere. I'll find it later." This ridiculous routine has robbed me of time. I feel constantly frustrated that I haven't finished this simple task yet. And, it's still there. That is a simple thing that holds me back. So small, yet, so huge. Weird how our enemies are often the simple things.
And, the simple act of trying to keep balance, to this point in my life, has left me feeling anything but balanced. Ok, here's a simple challenge: exercise, eat a good diet, spend time with your family, go to church, keep your bills paid, do good work, make sure the house is kept in good shape and change the world with the Gospel. Not hard, right? I literally am making checklists because of the sheer number of tasks required to try and keep this pace. Anyone who knows me knows it's not keeping up with the Jones. Rather, it's keeping up with the idea of who we are supposed to be. The ambition being that if all these things are met on a regular basis it will be an outward demonstration of an inward balance and harmony. I have no idea if it's true, since I've never been there yet, but, keeping it all together seems like a miracle if you ask me. 168 hours a week is enough. I just have to trim down the 250 hours a week I spend doing those 168 hour week's worth of tasks. Be smarter than the situation I always say.
Trapped, however, is how I feel when I find myself doing this. Time is lost trying to keep up. And, without down time, being an introvert, I start getting anxious. No time to recharge and decompress. I am on this treadmill of responsibilities, running from one task to another, never quite catching up. After a while, I just give up cause I can never catch up.
Longfellow once wrote, "Genius is infinite painstaking." I often think of saints as being spiritual geniuses. God calls us to a high level spiritually and the process of being attentive to all things, not only the large or small, requires infinite painstaking. Saintliness is a task far too great for man to accomplish. All we can do is do our best and leave God to do His job.
