Unbecoming...

I have spent my whole life waiting for this thing that I feel, know, hope, sense, want to become...only to be disappointed at every turn when the greatness I long to experience never materializes. Now, I am a sinful, selfish, un-Christlike man almost all of the time. It makes sense that nothing (no-thing) will make me sense the power I truly long to possess: God's love. As I have watched time pass and my greatness fail to materialize, I continue to lose hope and become bitter and cynical myself. What was it I hoped in? That question alone has made a more pointed focus: I hoped in Christ, but, wanted his power. I spoke of God, but, wanted his glory. I thought of purpose, but, wanted my plans.

No more, God says. Be honest with yourself. You know every time you sin. You know every time you take a wrong step. You give up over and over and over and you don't even feel the pain. Stop waiting for pain to stop you. God doesn't want to speak to us in those terms. I believe that is a part of why the first steps of sin and disobedience are the hardest and the easiest. When we realize there are no chains holding us to God, we slip away easily. But, we feel his power slip off of us as well. It is that shuddering of his departure that feels so "good". Yet, it rips our spirits apart, tears us in half and wounds us deeply.

God doesn't ask us to do this. He asks us to honor, obey and love him. It is just difficult when we have alienated ourselves and forgotten how to hear, see and love him. I sense that we must learn to give up what we think, want and hear for what God says. My "greatness" has been my undoing. And, to return to God, I sense he wants me to become nothing. He has not set before me a road of high rewards and accolades, but, obscurity and suffering. I am beginning to realize that God placed in me a sense of greatness to know him so I may do difficult things the world can never recognize as being worthwhile, valuable and meaningful. God has asked me to give up my greatness for his. He has asked me to be nothing, so, he can be everything. I speak for myself, but, I envision myself asking you, if we ever talk, "Are you willing to give it all up? Are you willing to be nothing if God asked?" This means, no ministry, no fame, no recognition. Being no one so he doesn't have to compete with my personal kingship to share his royal love with those I meet. I want to believe I am strong enough to say, "Yes". I want to proclaim I am willing to truly lay down my life. I believe becoming "nothing" could have always been God's greatest call on my life. For, in my weakness, He is strong.

Christ - without the power

It occurred to me that most people today who do not believe in Christ fall into some pretty common categories. One of the more common groups puts forward this argument: Jesus was a great teacher, but, nothing more. While reflecting on what our church lacks today I constantly want to be able to just whip out a miracle, raise someone from the dead, just smack it to people spiritually speaking, to really get their attention. I read the prophets and I see people so much like today's world it's scary. Cynicism, doubt, anger, spite, condescension, pride, arrogance. Little has changed, except today, we use Christ's words but preach without his authority. That's what the difference was then.

Now, I am not saying it should be all power and woo-woo gifts. By all means no. What I am saying is that the church cannot impact the world the way Christ did because it's only got half the package. Without Christ's power, the power that raised him from the dead, all we have are teachings. Without the power of love to overcome hatred, violence and evil, all we have are words. Without the power of grace to be supernatural in the most natural of circumstances, we cannot be anything different from everyone else. We have to have Christ's power to be Christians, otherwise, the world is right, Christ was just a great teacher, his power has been lost in spite of how amazing his teachings are.

I pray that the church would stand up by bowing down. Become great by becoming the least. Forsake your sins, the smallest and the unseen. Turn away from the things you know God hates. Make your life truly sanctified and show the world love, not just in your words, but, in your actions. Purify your spirits and praise God with every breath, even the ones that you have to heave from your chest beneath a weight of shame, condemnation, persecution, anger and attack. Those are the moments when people do see the true difference.

Robbed - moment by moment

When Jesus talked about the strongman, I always envisioned someone breaking into my home in the middle of the night. A huge, frightening, overpowering figure whose presence would be nearly impossible to contend with. But, I sense another kind of strong man in my midst. I spend many of my days wrapped and bound by frustration, fatigue, anxiety, confusion and desperation. The attack is small, grinding, unending and subtle. It's not the kind of strongman who attacks once and leaves. No, it is the kind of attack that comes without ceasing. It wearies you, slowly, imperceptibly. First, a small compromise here. Then, a slight weakness and sin there. Minute by minute, choice by choice, this strongman robs us of our power, of our strength. It is a much more dangerous foe, for it is one we are so familiar with we rarely even think to notice it. This war is one that requires the utmost control and sacrifice. Remembering not to yell at my kids, remembering to rise above the situation and love my wife, even though I may not want to, to do the right thing at work instead of playing on the internet for a couple of minutes to "take a break", to be diligent and do what I know is right. I really like the definition of sin as "not doing what we know to be right". It is so convicting and real. It is so easy to let the right thing slip out of character flaw, weakness, sin, selfishness, indifference. The list is long, but, the end result is the same: every little mistake ties us down a little more.